


I Will Let You Down, I Will Make You Hurt

by InkgooSupernova



Series: The Winter System [14]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes has DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hate Speech, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired By Tumblr, M/M, Multi, One Shot, Sad with a Happy Ending, internalized ableism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:08:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23885737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkgooSupernova/pseuds/InkgooSupernova
Summary: Thanks to the Soldier's expert stealth skills, they were able to sneak out of the house through a window so Steve and Sam wouldn't know they were coming and try to hide whatever-it-was from them. With a duck and a smooth slip across a wall, Bucky was about ten feet behind Steve and Sam, the two men were none the wiser.Curiosity killed the cat, as they say.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson
Series: The Winter System [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1693231
Comments: 12
Kudos: 120





	I Will Let You Down, I Will Make You Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> This story is based loosely on personal experiences.
> 
> This story shows events of targeted hate speech, which may be upsetting to some audiences.
> 
> Reader Discretion is Advised.
> 
> This story was inspired by this post on Tumblr https://steelcoldsoldier.tumblr.com/post/616591210482712576/on-your-left-birdie-my-skills-are-a-curse
> 
> The title is a line from the song 'Hurt' by Nine Inch Nails.

There was spray paint on the garage door again.

Every once in a while, to get away from the hustle and bustle of Manhattan and the Avengers Tower, Steve and Bucky would visit Sam's house in D.C. for the week. It was always a nice change of pace, to almost feel like a normal couple in the twenty-first century.

 _Almost_.

The first thing that concerned Bucky was the lack of warm bodies in bed with him when he awoke. They always hated waking up alone with no one to ground them, to remind them they're home, they're _safe_. Steve and Sam both knew this, so that meant whatever reason they were out of bed for, it was important enough to disregard him.

That alone filled their guts with deep, gnawing anxiety. What if Steve and Sam were kidnapped? Or _killed_? Or didn't want to deal with them anymore?

The growing anxiety was cut short when he heard voices outside. Two oh so _familiar_ voices that let him know his boys were okay. He let out a sigh of relief.

But that just raised even _more_ questions.

Why were they outside? What was so important outside that they would neglect to remember their waking anxieties? Why didn't they wake him up too?

What was going on?

Bucky stretched out his aching back before swinging his legs over the edge of the empty, now too big bed. The whole 'waking up alone in a random house that was not their room in the tower' thing got Jamesy riled up, and Bucky needed to see Steve and Sam with his own two eyes to get the little tot to trust that they were not, in fact, abandoned.

That, and Bucky was _curious_.

Thanks to the Soldier's expert stealth skills, they were able to sneak out of the house through a window so Steve and Sam wouldn't know they were coming and try to hide whatever-it-was from them. With a duck and a smooth slip across a wall, Bucky was about ten feet behind Steve and Sam, the two men were none the wiser.

Curiosity killed the cat, as they say.

So there he was, standing behind the two men he loved most, watching as one stood with his arms crossed and foot tapping in frustration, while the other scrubbed furiously at the garage door.

The words 'MURDERER' and 'ROT IN HELL' were scrawled in black paint across the white enamel. They knew that was for them.

 _This was not the first time_.

Bucky could feel his insides tense as the Soldier made the connection in his skull. People knew they were here. People still saw them as a murderer even after the trials and Stark's superhuman PR work for them.

Though, worst of all, they put Sam in danger.

"Bucky!" Steve was caught off guard just as much as they were, causing Sam to turn back to face them as well. They both pulled an awful look of pity.

"Hey, buddy, we didn't mean to wake y-" Sam was cut off by a whimper.

"Who..." Bucky could barely huff out, trying so desperately to fight back the tears that threatened to pour from his eyes. He would not let whatever _bastard_ that did this see that they were hurt.

But _fuck_ , they were hurt _deep_.

"I don't know," Sam sighed, his tongue pressed to the inside of his cheek as he turned back to look at the horrible words. "...I don't know."

"I was hoping to get this cleaned off before you woke up..." Steve sighed, defeated, as he stepped away from the marked door. He had barely made a dent in the cruel display.

Bucky wouldn't cry. Not here. Not where whoever did this could see him.

But the Soldier sure would.

"Stop..." Bucky begged, leaning his head back to keep the tears from spilling out. However, like so many other times, the Soldier overpowered him through sheer will.

It started as a choked whine.

"Oh, Bucky," Sam walked to them, pulling them into a hug, forcing them to look away from the door. "We'll figure this out, this isn't your fault at _all_."

It was entirely their fault.

"...Prostite menya..." The Soldier whimpered through their mouth as Bucky rested his chin against the other's shoulder. They couldn't help pulling Sam closer, trying so hard to not squeeze him to death.

"No, Bucky no." Steve huffed, tossing the now black sponge to the ground in frustration. "This, this is just some stupid asshat, or probably some teen hooligans, or-"

They just couldn't help the keening whine that escaped their trembling body.

Sam ran his warm fingers through their hair as they cried into his shoulder, cut by the words and disgusted by themselves. Bucky wished he could just carve the others out of his brain forever.

The violent weapon. The traumatized crybaby. The useless waste of space. _All of them_.

Then no one would ever call him a murderer again.

That just made the Soldier cry harder.

It was all _his_ fault.

" _I hate you_..." Bucky whimpered into Sam's shoulder, struggling against the Soldier's obvious crocodile tears. " _It's all your fault_."

Steve pulled an almost disgusted look.

"Bucky, we didn't-" But Sam cut him off.

"Bucky. This is not _any_ of you guys' fault." Sam's voice was so stern, he _hated_ when Bucky bullied the others in his head. "You can't blame Soldier for other people's actions."

" _HE'S_ THE MURDERER! NOT _ME_!" Bucky barked back, shoving his way out of Sam's arms. He refuses to let the Soldier soak in the other's comfort.

 _He didn't deserve it_.

"Bucky." Sam's glare scared them. Bucky just fucked up big time. "I will not let you hurt Soldier or anyone else over this."

" _But it's his fault_!" Bucky fought against the pained sob in his throat. It was! The Soldier was the one who killed those people! The one who raped those people! The one who _obeyed Hydra_.

"He didn't have a choice, none of you did, and you _know_ it!" Sam barked back, refusing to allow his hateful behavior. "Soldier _protected you_ from having to do those horrible things by _yourself_. Do you think he _wanted_ to do those things any more than _you_ did?"

That stopped Bucky dead in his tracks.

The therapists explained this before, that they all formed because they needed to escape from Hydra into their own head. That the Soldier took the side of Hydra to avoid getting hurt again, that serving was better than the constant torture for disobeying. That even the Bucky who died long ago got drafted into the damned war and was forced to serve and _obey_.

None of them _asked_ to be moulded into a murder machine.

The Soldier's eyes welled up once again as he slipped back into the Falcon's open arms. He didn't hide the way that his host's words had hurt him.

He just wanted to be _good_.

"I'm sorry..." Bucky's voice whimpered through their cries as they buried their face into Sam's neck. The Soldier cried harder as the Falcon pulled their shaking form impossibly closer. "I'm so _sorry_."

Sam knew those sorries were not for him.

With the help of Steve, they were led back inside to the dining table, and sat down with Sam close at their side.

The Soldier sniffled back another tear, having already forgotten why they were crying, but the ache in their chest just forced more tears from their body.

"Here, I don't know how much it'll help, but I know an empty stomach can make any big emotion feel worse." The Captain explained calmly, setting a plate in front of him. A piece of toast and a fried egg, simple.

The Soldier smiled at the Captain.

"There's my good boy." The Captain hummed, rubbing the Soldier's tear soaked cheek with his thumb as the Falcon pulled him into another warm hug.

"Spacibo." The Soldier sniffled, scooping the egg onto the toast before biting into it. It tasted good.

He didn't need to ask permission to eat.

"Steve, you can stay here, I'm gonna go try and clean the rest of that off." The Falcon pointed towards the garage area with his thumb before pressing a kiss to the crown of the Soldier's head and walking out.

The Captain was holding the Soldier's metal hand, rubbing the cold plates with his thumb. This new arm was nice. He could _feel_ with it. He could feel the way the Captain's warm fingers stroked the pressure plates as if it were his own flesh and blood.

Bucky had gone quiet after his outburst, but the Soldier could tell by the ache in their chest that he felt _awful_.

"...Do you hate me?" The Soldier asked, locking eyes with the Captain for only a moment.

"Of course not, I couldn't hate _any_ of you." The Captain sounded so concerned, scooting closer to him. "I love all of you, every single last piece."

"Even though I did horrible things?" The Soldier asked without skipping a beat, his eyes pleading for _something_.

"There is nothing that any of you could do that would make me stop loving you. You don't have to earn that. I have always loved you, and I always _will_ love you." The Captain hummed, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek, which bloomed into a rosy pink at the affection.

"We love you too." That was the only word that Hydra never taught him to say in Russian. _Love_.

Weapons did not love.

But he loved the Captain.

So that must mean he was not a weapon.

Satisfied with that little victory, the Soldier leaned into the Captain's arms, finishing off the last of his breakfast.

"...Soldier?" Bucky's voice echoed through his skull, and the Soldier acknowledged him with a nod.

"I...I'm sorry for what I said earlier." Bucky sighed, letting go of his stubborn nature to properly apologize. "You did good, it wasn't your fault and it wasn't mine either. I was just so _angry_ , I forgot how much you've done for me. For _all_ of us."

"I forgive you." The Soldier hummed, confusing the Captain who was holding him close to his chest.

The Falcon walked back in a while later, rubbing his hands that were now smeared with watery black paint and soap.

"Alright, I got at least half of it off, but at this point we might as well run down to the hardware shop and just paint over it. It was needing a new paint job for a while anyways." The Falcon explained.

"Can we help?" The Soldier piped up.

"You don't have to." Steve looked so concerned, not wanting a repeat of what just happened.

"I _want_ to." Bucky chimed in, resting his flesh hand on top of Steve's. "We aren't murderers. We want to help."

Steve and Sam both nodded in agreement and pulled them into a big, warm hug.

They were all _good_.

**Author's Note:**

> **Translations:**
> 
> Prostite menya: I'm sorry
> 
> Spacibo: Thank you
> 
> **Brief Explanations:**
> 
> In this story, Bucky and his system become the victim of targetted hate speech when an unknown stranger spraypaints words on Sam's garage door while they are staying there.
> 
> Due to internalized hatred at their own actions, Bucky blames the Soldier for the words as well as possibly putting his loves and best friends in danger. This, in turn, hurts the Soldier's feelings as he did not want to be treated like a monster for actions that he did not have a choice in.
> 
> Due to dissociative amnesia, by the time they walked back into the house, the Soldier forgot why exactly they were upset but was still upset from the intense emotions they were feeling.
> 
> These are based on **personal experiences** and are not a scientific basis or professional explanation for DID systems. No two people, let alone no two systems, are exactly the same.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!


End file.
